Sometimes I lie on my back and catch the tail end of an arbitrary, harmless thought.
Inevitably, the innocent thought yanks down on a host of insecurities, and my mind avalanches. When a small noise from the real world interrupts, I feel as if I’m temporarily blinded and forget where I am for a few moments.
The older I get, the more situations I’m finding myself in where I have zero explanation for how some of my relationships have become the way they became.
Why do people change toward you?
Is it because you yourself have changed? Is it due to a past wrongdoing that wasn’t resolved all the way?
When you have somehow dusted together the courage to ask the other party why things have become the way they are, prepare to hear denial. At best, you may get a kind excuse (‘I’m just tired’).
But the worst part—the absolute *worst* part that I hope very few people have to experience—is when you realize that the other party genuinely does not care. You are quite far down on their list of priorities, right next to remembering to floss daily (which becomes marginally more important when the task of contacting you back floats dangerously near).
In my opinion, feeling that you are not worth giving time and energy and heart to… is much worse than actually being despised. At least when you’re hated, you know you have some quality that deserves negative attention. The indifferent shoulder does far more damage than the enraged fist.
So what do you do? Do you keep fighting, after several embarrassing attempts, to sustain what may have never even fully been there? Do you keep trying to remember the potential that relationship once had?
I’m not sure either. Why do you think I’m asking in the first place?